Estate Planning is About Values
Values, like biases and fears and beliefs, are driving forces in our lives. Values can be individual, cultural, societal or familial.
While most people do not consciously articulate their values or write them down, research shows that doing so can have a powerful effect. In her book The Upside of Stress, Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal writes, “It turns out that writing about your values is one of the most effective psychological interventions ever studied. In the short term, writing about personal values makes people feel more powerful, in control, proud, and strong. It also makes them feel more loving, connected, and empathetic toward others. It increases pain tolerance, enhances self-control, and reduces unhelpful rumination after a stressful experience.”
Dictionary.com defines “family values” as “the moral and ethical principals traditionally upheld and passed on within a family, such as fidelity, honesty, truth, and faith.” Articulating family values can increase family cohesiveness and shape the self-identity of family members.
There are several resources available for free on the internet about how to hold a family meeting and come up with a Family Mission Statement that you write together and post prominently in your home. (We have yet to do this, but it’s on our list for 2025!) Even if you don’t get all formal about it, writing down your values can help you to orient around how you want to show up in the world, the lessons you want your children to remember, and the legacy you want to leave behind.
One of the great gifts of estate planning is the opportunity to do the thought experiment of articulating your family values for yourself. Bringing your cherished values to consciousness can help ground you as you think through the really hard aspects of estate planning. This process is imperative if your estate plan is going to be able to reflect those values.
I am often inspired by the intentional way that my clients bring their values into planning. I also see that the families who clearly articulate their values are able to minimize unnecessary strife and conflict. Stating the organizing principals of an estate plan right in the document can encourage family harmony in difficult circumstances. For example, if there is a reason to make unequal distributions to children, clients can include language reiterating that their intention is that for each child to feel loved, cared for, and treated fairly, and that unequal distributions are a reflection of financial need only.
In my practice, I have come across a sensibility, especially in older generations, of maximum secrecy around the estate plan. This is rarely necessary or helpful and often reflects a family culture of poor communication, control or vindictiveness. Secrecy around what is in a Will or a Trust in the immediate aftermath of a death can take the family’s attention off of their grief, memories, and togetherness. If, during life, a family has the value of honest and open communication, this value should also be reflected in the estate planning process. I encourage my clients to be open and honest about the broad strokes of their plan with their designated fiduciaries and beneficiaries, so that no-one is left to wonder or anticipate a bombshell at a painful and vulnerable time.
Think of your estate plan as your last act—your last chance to be true to your values and impart them on future generations. I believe that the way you pass down your assets, and the message that sends to your beneficiaries, will shape future generations even more than the assets themselves. It’s worth taking the time to be intentional about it!
At Treetown Law, we take the time to elicit family values from our clients and go deep with them on how to apply those guiding principles to address their unique estate planning concerns and wishes.
Treetown Law is here to help you every step of the way. Please contact us today to get started!
